Forty years is a big gap to bridge. I met Jim when he was nineteen years old and a freshman in college. Jim is now sitting across from me in restaurant as a late middle-aged man with children in college. What a difference forty years make!
When I meet alumni from our former collegiate ministries, I tend to apologize for some of my disciplemaking approaches back then. I’ve learned so much from those early years and I wish I could repeat some of the relationships with my new insights.
Jim assured me that he didn’t need counseling from his collegiate experience. (Whew! Thank you, Lord.) “In fact,” he said, “I always appreciated how you asked me questions. I’ve tried to model this with my kids. I’ve taught them that THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION IS THE SECOND QUESTION.”
This conversation has lingered in my mind. Jim is right, the most important question is the second question! Why?
The second question indicates that I’ve listened to you and I’m curious about what you said. How many times has someone asked you, “How are you doing?” You reply, “I’m a little overworked” and they move on to another question or make some innocuous statement like, “That’s tough. Let me tell you about my day.” What happened? They were neither listening nor curious about your answer.
Remember – the second question is the most important one. A second question could be: “You said you’re a little overworked. What’s changed in your schedule?” or “How are you dealing with your workload?” What happens when you ask the second question? You tell me that you’ve actually listened to me and you’re curious about my work situation. You want to find out more about why I’m overworked.
Wise disciplemakers ask the second question. We want to listen to people and be curious about their lives. We want to get to the “backstory” — the story that lurks behind and gives explanation to one’s current condition or composure. Questions discover context. This leads me to another lesson.
I had just presented to the group the benefits for using The Ways of the Alongsider. (I tried not to make it sound like an infomercial). At the presentation’s closing I took time for questions. Typically the questions are information ones — “How long does it take to complete the book? “Who should you invite to study the book?” or “How do you use this in a small group?” Gina’s question was different.
“It doesn’t seem that the leader of my alongsider group really understands the material,” Gina said. “How do I help her change how she leads this study?” I was put on the spot. I tried to answer the question in the one or two minutes provided but I soon realized that my answer was inadequate. Gina politely nodded her head as I spoke, but I could tell I wasn’t addressing the real issue.
When I left the meeting, I asked myself: “Why was I frustrated with my answer?” Information questions are typically straight forward but her question could only be answered if I understood the context. I needed to know: “What training did the leader have?” “What is her understanding of disciplemaking?” “Was this a discussion or a lecture by the leader?” I could only answer her question if I understood the context — her small group experience. Time didn’t permit me to explore further the context of her question.
Most questions always have a context — a back story. If we don’t take the time to understand the context, we can only offer superficial answers. What do we do? Now is when we employ every teacher’s stock-in-trade response: we answer the question with a question. We purposefully do this because an appropriate answer is connected to understanding the context; a context understood by asking a question. Here’s a discipling example.
In your small group, Helen asks, “I’m really frustrated with my boss at work. How should I respond to him?” You’re tempted to reply with “Sounds like you need to forgive him” or “Perhaps you need to apply Colossians 3:23 and ‘work heartily as for the Lord.’” Great answers but are they appropriate?
To understand the context you could ask: “What’s frustrating you about your boss?” or “What different type of behavior would you like him to have?” or “Do you know if your co-workers are also frustrated?” Now you’re gaining insight into the context. It could be that Helen’s work performance is sub-par, maybe her boss has some personal issues that haunt him at work, or she may discover that the problem is not shared by co-workers. Understanding the context helps you guide Helen to a godly response.
Asking questions is like any skill; it’s something learned over time as we practice asking questions. Jesus was the master question-asker; I marvel at his insightful inquiries and straight-to-the-heart questions. Wise disciplemakers are people who imitate our Lord not only in character but in the skill of asking questions.
So, in your next small group meeting or one-to-one conversation remember: The most important question is the second one. Let’s be people who are respectful listeners and curious friends asking the second question, seeking to understand the context. In your next conversation, be sure to ask the second question!
Love this idea of the second question. I’ve often thought of answering the “How are you?” question with this: “I wish I were more regular (yes, I’m talking about bowels). Not to be crude but to see if they were listening. How many out of ten people would respond with something unrelated to my answer? Hmmm? Challenge for me to monitor how I listen to my asking “How are you?” and my second question. See you Sunday, Lord williing.